Please God help me!!
I need your help God. You have to help me. Please!!
I was silently and desperately praying for the last few hours.
I was also trying my best, not to sleep. I am sure that at this moment there are millions who are counting sheep so that they can sleep. However, I am not part of that million. I desperately want to keep awake. I am terrified to sleep. My nightmares make me live the reality my life is, only in more vivid details. Actually, it is a catch 22. I want to run away from sleep because I want to escape my nightmares. When I sleep from exhaustion, I don’t want to wake up because reality is not much different.
I want to be awake because just in case my husband decides that today is a good day to stab me, I guess, I will have a better chance of saving myself.
I am petrified that my husband will kill me if I slept. When I sleep out of sheer tiredness, I get nightmares about the same.
I have read of people who have such fears and they don’t know what’s causing it. However, I don’t need any past life regression sessions to find out the reason for this fear. Having a butcher’s knife put to your throat by a very drunk husband together with him shouting, “I will kill you tonight” is a sureshot formula for nightmares.
I had left the blinds open as it was a warm night with a nice breeze. Suddenly, my balcony was engulfed with a divine shimmering light and slowly it took form of a luminous shimmery misty man. There is something about the sudden appearance of a luminous man in your balcony, which acts as a powerful antidote to sleep. I was wide awake and surprisingly, instead of being scared, I was filled with a very powerful emotion of love.
In fact, I was drawn to the luminous being. I had a very strong feeling that I knew him. He looked at me and smiled. My heart stopped for a moment.
It was a smile I knew and loved. Could it be possible?? But how could it be possible? He had passed away 7 years back.
I had attended his funeral. There were days when his loss was almost like a physical pain. Yet, here he was, thousands of miles away from India, in my balcony in Sydney, Australia.
He looked at me as if he could read my mind and said, “Yes, it’s me”.That was all I needed, I ran to him, without stopping to figure it out or think it through, and he hugged me. Being hugged by a loved one is like being wrapped in a blanket on a cold chilli night.
For those few moments, I felt that I was safe again. My grandfather will shelter me from all that was bad in this world. I was crying, great racking sobs. I felt I could never stop. I wished, oh how I wished, I was a little girl again with a carefree childhood. Once my sobs subsided, I looked at him and asked him the question which was at the top of my mind. How is it possible??
In answer, he spread both his arms and said in quite a dramatic way…. “I am the answer to your prayers” and smiled mischievously.
Hmmm… so even spirits have a sense of humour.
(I call my grandfather Nanaji)
Nanaji, I really don’t understand what’s going on. How are you here??
He smiled and said, “My child, leave some space in your life for miracles. Do you know prayer happens in two conditions? Either, when you are filled with gratitude or despair.
Whenever, someone has absolute conviction, that there is a power biggerthan us which can solve anything, and calls out to that power, the prayer gets answered, miracles happen. Prayer is pure spiritual energy which connects a person to the all-pervading loving energy which we call GOD.
He continued, “Right now when you were asking God for help, it was likea trusting and helpless cry of a very small child. The child has absolute belief that his mother will take care of everything. You wanted help and that heart felt call connected you to the higher power which is always there. Prayer connects you to the power which is deep within you, waiting to be tapped.”
His wisdom shone through his eyes. I nodded but I still felt a little disoriented. I had desperately wished him to be alive after he had died. There were so many things I had left unsaid when he was alive.
I always thought that if, miraculously, I got a chance to talk to him, I will tell him, how much I loved him and how proud I was of his wisdom and kindness. Somehow, we rarely tell our parents, our elders, how much we love them and how much they matter to us. Then, one day it’s too late.
Now that I had a chance, all I could ask him was “How is it possible that you are here??”
He said, “You prayed for a miracle. Congratulations, your prayer got answered”
Not everything can be explained. Something’s you just have to believein.
We are surrounded by miracles but since its part of life we forget to see the miracle in it.”
“Do you have WIFI?? He asked.
Well, that was an abrupt change of topic. From sharing deep wisdom, he is asking me about something as mundane as WIFI.
“Yes, I have WIFI”, I said
Can you see how its energy connects your phone, laptop, TV?
“Yes”, I said.
He asked again… Can you actually tangibly see that energy?
I thought to myself, when put like that, no, I don’t.
He continued, “Think about it. Doesn’t it sound magical that there is atiny box which has a form of energy which connects your laptop, phone, TV toanother source called internet, which again cannot be seen, but connects you to the rest of the world.”
Wow, when he put it like that, WIFI does seem magical. I suddenly had a new found respect for my tiny insignificant looking WIFI box.
I was still thinking of magic in our daily life when Nanaji, asked mesoftly, “Miska, my child, you are very sad? Do you want to talk about it?”
It was such a relief to be able to finally share with someone what Ifelt. I was unknowingly waiting for someone to care enough to ask me this.
I said haltingly, “Nanaji, I feel so many emotions that I feel drained.I feel cheated out of the life I was supposed to have. I feel like a failure. I feel worried that everyone will see through the façade of the perfect life and relationship I have created.
Without realising my voice dropped and I said almost in a whisper, “Whatwill everyone think? People will think that I couldn’t even make a relationship work. But, I tried, I tried so hard.
I feel so afraid and lost. I don’t know what to do. I am so worried about my future. I am already in my late 30’s. I don’t have kids, I don’t have a career anymore, and lately my health has not been perfect. I don’t think I have the option to leave him. What if I don’t find anyone else?? I don’t want to be alone.”
I looked at my Nanaji to see if he understood. He was looking at me with kind, loving eyes. This encouraged me to continue sharing.
I continued, “But I feel so lonely with him. I feel scared of him. I amsure he will never really hurt me. He does say very hurtful and mean things tome. But he will not really hurt me. We do have some good times even if the frequency is a little less. If I became more adjusting, loving and supportive,like he says, maybe things will be better. He says, he behaves that way to me because I trigger it. But, I am so tired of being judged all the time.”
I looked away feeling very embarrassed sharing this with him. I understood for the first time what baring one’s soul meant. With every line I spoke, Ifelt as if a layer of my being which I had created to cover myself, was being stripped away. I felt naked in a way I had never imagined I could feel.
I continued in a haunted voice, “Maybe, I am over reacting but eversince he put a knife to my throat screaming that he will kill me, I can’t sleep at night. I feel terrified that he will kill me if I closed my eyes. Every time he comes home drunk, I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a precipice which he will happily push me to. I hide my phone close by ... it gives me a feeling of protection. Yes, my life has come to this that I find protection in my iPhone.
It is so confusing, I don’t know what is real anymore, this abuse or the loving time which usually follows. How am I supposed to behave? Should I pretend nothing happened? Is he the charming man, he is, when sober and around outsiders? Or is he the mean, hurtful person when drunk or angry?
I feel angry at God. What have I done to deserve it? Why have I ended up with a guy who loves his drinks a little too much and has such a bad temper?
However, I just do not have the energy and courage to start over. I amnot one of the lucky ones. I don’t know what to do?”
My grandfather did not say anything but reached out and hugged me. His hug warmed a corner of my soul which for a long time has felt cold like hell. Hise yes were shining with the love he has for me, but the slight pursing of lips told me that he was deeply angered by what he had heard.
Finally he said, “Miska, my child, I amso sorry that you have gone through so much pain. If I had the power to rewrite your past, I will do it in a flash. Unfortunately,the past cannot be undone. However, we can change our present and thus our future. I want you to listen very closely to what I am going to say next.
He paused as if to emphasise the importance ofthis moment and continued, “Miska, there is only one certainty in life and that is death. Every second you are getting closer to death. So, why die before your death? Will you hold your life hostage to your fears, if you knew that you are going to die in the next hour? You may not have control over your death,but you can choose your life. Don’t die till you are dead.”
He then in his deep musical voice recited a mantra in Sanskrit. I gave him a look which if I had to translate would have gone something like “Seriously dude. I have just shared with you that my life is a mess and you are chanting some Mantra in Sanskrit”
He being my grandfather understood this look very well. With a smile he explained that this mantra is from Brihadaranyaka Upanishad (Upanishads are one of the oldest and most important scriptures of Hinduism, estimated to be composed approximately in 700 BC). He again chanted the same mantra and explained what it meant.
Kaama maya evayam purusha iti, Sa Yatha kaamo bhavati tat kratur bhavati
Yat kratur bhavati tat karma kurute, Yat karma kurte tad abhisam padyate
You are what your deep, driving desire is
As your desire is, so is your will
As your will is, so is your deed
As your deed is, so is your destiny
Before he could say anything else, I told him, please help me. I do nothave the courage or the energy to bring any change in my life. But I need help. Please bless me so that my life changes in a magical way.
He looked at my tired, troubled eyes and closed his own eyes. It looked as if he was meditating. After a while he slowly opened his eyes, gave me a beautiful smile. He said that I was in luck as a powerful person was in the vicinity and could recreate my life.
I felt relieved hearing that there was someone who could solve myproblems and recreate my life.
Nanaji said, “However, it depends on you whether you are helped by thisperson or not. You will have to listen to this person. If you don’t, thennobody can help you.”
There was a feeling of excitement and curiosity within me. I asked,“Nanaji, who is this person?”
Nanaji said, “Racheyta.”
I said, “Oh, it is such a beautiful name”
Nanaji said, “Racheyta in English means, “The Creator”.
With this he slowly disappeared.
THE DESTINY CREATOR
BY RUCHI SINGH